13.10.10

it was name we've grown to call you, sometimes we allow ourselves the little pleasure (also sometimes conveniently called guilt) to wonder how you will turn out to be and turn our lives over until that day that you will finally arrive. we've both entertained the thought of you being our object cause of desire only because we are afraid to say we are happy to have you, because that doesn't seem to be allowed. funny that even now, when the supposed thresholds have finally been crossed not without collateral pay-offs still that mundane privilege seems to ambitious. and whatever reason you decide to come, maybe just to ease my previous anxiety over loss or my perversity to call the bluff, i am still unable to grasp. But here you are growing to be that silent parasitic companion feeding on the same thing vessel of which is also my decay. They say the second time around should be easier--a walk in the park. Well not much parks where we live, only in our distant nostalgic sentiment of our childhood that seems to be that thing that bind us. And when those fears will ever go away I cannot say for sure but I promise that I will be everything that I can be because each other is all we might have.