They say you are a constant

Why is it tempting to think that those ten years mean more than the mere accumulation of months, days and week? Looking back, I barely recognize that person from long ago. Now, I am a little embarrassed to admit the growing crack between us, the differences that just seem to pile up everyday. Is it possible that we are slipping away from each other? Is it possible that the only thing keeping us together is the comfortable proximity that we have grown accustomed to all those years? Could it be that simple? Can we abandon the ideal life we have envisioned for each other in order to grow into our own. You of course have years ahead of me. How can I ever catch up? Do I still want to catch up? In another year, could I still bear playing this exhaustible game of catching up?

My love, we have both grown into each others' skin, breathing each others' breath, living through each others' dreams, sleeping in each others' fear, eating from one each others' plate but where am I in all of these. And where are you in all of these? Are we but bound by the idea of being together? Is that it?! Really what else is there left for me to do then. While you are approaching the satisfying plateau of your life, here I am anxious of the life ahead. Here I am fine tuning my voice. The voice that you are resenting, the voice that I am stubbornly insisting. The voice that has nothing to do with anyone else including you. Is it possible that after all those years of being with you, cheating and betraying you, being with the others that all I just want to do is be with no one?

Do you ever notice me when I cringe at your words? When I withdraw from your embrace? When I resent your wanting for attention? When I look forward to being alone with my thoughts, work, and books? Am I indeed running away from you because I cannot stand you anymore. Yet I do not have the heart to say this to you because I cannot stand you being hurt to. I cannot stand seeing you broken and frustrated. I cannot stand seeing you mad.

And when you snap at me for suspicion of another cycle betrayal, I cannot stand explaining myself anymore. It doesn't matter anymore, I have already betrayed you long before. I was lost and have found my way but not into the light of your embrace but into the dark and cold corner of my solitude. The place that is most safe, the place where I can retreat and not be bothered.